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The Iginla Trade via Feaster's Texts

A Homage to "Down Goes Brown"

It was a lot of texting and yeah this is how the trade really went down
It was a lot of texting and yeah this is how the trade really went down
Justin K. Aller

Feaster's Cell: Hey Shero, want to trade Iginla for Crosby?

Shero's Cell: LOL

Feaster's Cell: Yeah, just kidding, he wants to play with Crosby, how about Malkin.

Shero: : 0

Feaster: Does that mean we have a deal?

Shero: GTFO

Feaster: Ok, yeah, not really serious, Crosby might get injured and we need a good Center for Iggy as a back-up. How about Letang?

Shero: Ok, Feaster, stop bugging me, I'll give you my first round pick and that is it.

Feaster: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH - Good one Shero. This is Jarome Iginla. Greatest player in Flames history, future HOF and…

Shero: Shut up, first round pick or nothing. Go text Chiarelli, here is his number.

Feaster: Shero, wait a minute, how about Iginla, Sarich, Babchuk, Byron, Cervenka and Begin for Dupuis, your 1st and another conditional 1st with a Cup win.

Shero: No point including the conditional 1st because those guys would prevent me from winning the Cup and why would I include Dupuis?

Feaster: Well, you got to make room for Iggy to play with Sid. I'll throw McGratten in too.



Feaster: Hey Chiarelli, do you want Iginla?

Chiarelli: YEAH - ABSOLUTELY. What do you want?

Feaster: Seguin and Chara

Chiarell: Ha, that is a good joke Feaster but seriously I do want Iginla.

Feaster: How about just Seguin, read that in the Hockey News in 2010, good blog, used to work there you know.

Chiarelli: That was 3 years ago and I wouldn't have done it then.

Feaster: Well can you just text me back that you are thinking about Seguin for Iginla anyway.

Chiarelli: What? No! Look, lets get serious, I'll give you my first round pick for sure. That is a starting point.

Feaster: WTF

Chiarelli: I'll also include Alexander Khokhlachev.

Feaster: Who?

Chiarelli: Uhhh, we drafted him in the 2nd round in 2011. He's Russian

Feaster: Oh boy, so he has the first name of Ovechkin and a last name kind of like Kovalchuk therefore he is like a combination of Ovechkin and Kovalchuk - ALL RIGHT, now w're talking. Hang on a second.

(Feaster immediately forwards Chiarelli's texts to Shero)

Feaster: Hey Shero, Chiarelli just offered me his first and Alexander Kovalchuk, yeah man, it is that good. Better step up, you are going to lose out on Iginla.

Shero: Sorry Feaster, I was texting Holmgren pictures of my 2009 Cup. What's that? You have some kind of deal for Ovechkin, Kovalchuk and Boston's first? What did you trade? Your entire team, plus all your draft picks for the next 5 years?

You might want to pick up a Goalie with that pick because three guys on the ice all alone are going to get pretty tired.

Feaster: No Shero, Chiarelli offered me his first and a young prospect who is a combination of Ovechkin and Kovalchuk, an Ovie-chuk, yeah, he is that good! : ) - Better step up man, all about the Iggy.

Shero - Well you better snap it up quick then before Chiarelli sobers up. If he is sending you a 1st and a top prospect for Iginla, you win man, good luck.

Feaster: Hey, hey, Shero, wait, don't you want to counter? Come on man, I think I can squeezze more out of Chiarelli, help a brother out.

Beef up your first round pick a little, pleaseeeeeee

Shero: Ok a 1st and Ben Hanowski, you should like him, his name is like your last 1st round pick Mark Jankowski and he too scored a lot of goals in high school.

Feaster immediately forwards text to Chiarelli.

Feaster: OH, OH, Chiarelli, Shero is all in on the Iggy sweepstakes. I got a crazy bidding war going on here. He just offered me two 1st round picks and I think he is just getting started, man phones are exploding, Chiarelli better up your offer quick before this gets out of control.

(Long pause before response)

Chiarelli: Hanowski is a 3rd round pick Jay. Look I am busy here, Shero, has already picked up Morrow and Murray and I need to get serious.

This is my final offer and my original is still better than what Shero is offering you now but hey, I want Iginla so I'll up it and throw in my own "Owski" since that seems to be important to you.

1st, Alexander Khokhlachev and Mark Bartkowski.

Feaster: Oh yeah, another "OWSKI" - man this Iginla bidding war is getting crazy.

Feaster forwards Chiarelli's text to Shero

Feaster: Better step up Shero, Chiarelli just raised your "Owski" by his own "Owski" - I can get an "Owski" from the Bruins plus some other guy PLUS their first. IGGY BIDDING WAR! - It is crazy here, phones ringing off the hooks, I barely have time to text you.

(No response from Shero - silence)

Chiarelli: So we have a deal here Jay?

(Feaster forwards text to Shero - silence)

Chiarelli: Jay, are you there? Do we have a deal?

Feaster: Uh, yeah man, it is kind of there, almost.

(Feaster forwards text to Shero)

Feaster: Shero man, you got to get in on this crazy Iginla bidding war. I am almost closed on a deal, Sheroooooo, buddy, I love you and Sid, man, Iggy will bring you the Cup, he is the final piece. Text me.

(Silence from Shero)

Chiarelli: Look Jay, we have to firm this up. The deadline is coming up, do we have a deal? How do you want to handle the media, I can only contain my staff so long.

Feaster: Uh yeah, tell those TSN guys I guess, we are not absolute yet but we are as close as we are going to get. There is no other players to add to the deal, I can tell you that.

Chiarelli: I thought your organization hated TSN.

Feaster: Yeah, well whatever.

(Story breaks on TSN of Iginla trade to Boston)

Feaster: SHEROOOOOO, DUDE, this is crazy, you are letting a Hall of Fame player slip away. I can't just take your first and an "Owski", no offense, great deal man, love you, love the Pens, love Sid, sending you my love here, am very willing to work with you. Hey I want to work for you but great as your "Owski" and 1st are, I need more.

This Boston deal is almost sealed. Sheroooooo, last chance.

Shero: Christ Feaster, stop texting me, this is getting annoying. Look if you stop texting me I will give you Kenneth Agostino in return for that alone.

Feaster: You got a deal Shero, wow man, this was a crazy night. Iginla for your 1st, an Owski and Phil Esposito's grandson. WHAT A BLOCKBUSTER.

Shero: I said Agostino, not Espositio, Jay.

Feaster: Whatever man, lets get all the paper work moving on this. Fill in what you want, we still got the 1st in there right?

Shero: Jay, don't you have to check with Jarome to make sure he waives his NMC?

Feaster's Cell: What do you mean? This is Jarome, of course I'm waiving man, can't wait to get to Pitts and hang with Sid.

Shero: LOL

Iginla: Ha, Murray Edwards took Feaster's Cell at their morning meeting and gave it to me. Feaster has been running around all day looking for it. Ha, Ha, Ha - it's been me all along. Can't wait to sip from Stanley with Sid.